Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
