hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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