it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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