Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
