Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
