White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
