I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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