New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
