just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
