I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
