shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
