So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
