mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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