im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
