the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
