Just cropdusted the office
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
