dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
you never un-have a 4some
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
