The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
