We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
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