Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
