For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
