you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
