I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
