I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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