If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
