Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
