there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
