The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
