Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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