I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
