It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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