it's too hot outside to masturbate.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
what day is it and did you see me today?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
