two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize