Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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