I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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