people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
