matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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