just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
