Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
