Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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