i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He shit in the fireplace
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
