I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
