dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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