At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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