We won't sleep together?
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Found your dick twin last night
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
