who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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