just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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