mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
