Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
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