I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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