Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
