Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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