I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
