I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
