i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
