im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
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