I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
