Dude my mom stole all your condoms
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
