I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
