I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
