Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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